My Role in “The Community”

Yep, still talking. Been doing a lot of thinkin’ to myself today. Been thinking about what I contribute here, online, to “the community.”

Basically nothing.

I haven’t written a size story in like 5 years, and I don’t draw, I don’t sell pics, etc. I give you people nothing. But still I have followers and people who occasionally give me some likes and validate my stupid little feelings, and some people even reach out and TALK to me. I feel like I am receiving so much–all the content that I continually see on Twitter from size artists, all the stories from size writers that I never read but would like to someday, all the little polite things people say when I make a sad boi post or recount having a sizey dream…

And what do I do? When I first found the size community via tumblr in 2012/2013, I was like, “YES–I have found my place–I was meant to be a size writer.” I proceeded to write a handful of size smut stories, but there was no… craft to them. I just had all these thoughts and feelings and energies about sizey things and finally had someplace to SAY those things out loud, and I just wrote it out as fast as possible. People liked it, but they weren’t that great. In the years after, I would occasionally write out a few suggested ideas into VERY short stories for tumblr people, but those also lacked craft and, in those cases where it was someone else’s ideas and desires, passion.

I know @Olo and @Aborigen, who I respect in the size writer community, are really committed to their art, and talk at length about the craft and devote a TON of time to it. I am a writer outside of the size world–I used to be constantly writing poetry and for a while thought I was going to go on to get an MFA and teach it, but that’s not what happened. I don’t write at all these days outside of journaling and my stupid posts on social media–and now here on WordPress. But you know what? Though I do wish I had the passion to write poetry again, I am fine with not producing size stories.

I’ve had the pleasure of being involved with a couple (“couple” as in “2”) of really good rp partners, and when I first arrived on size tumblr, I didn’t think that would be my thing, but honestly? It is. I love having the CONNECTION of a partner. I do feel kind of stupid a lot of the time because I always feel like I end up repeating myself because eventually you start running out of synonyms for “big” and “hot” and “red” and whatever, but I love the ENERGY of it–when you really hit it off with someone on the other end. I’ve definitely had a couple lackluster rp experiences, but the good ones stick out in my mind as something to hang onto, mentally.

Ultimately, of course, I would like… an irl rp partner, aka a boyfriend/girlfriend to just… be passionate with, in whatever way that played out. Within the kink, it’s most about that connection, for me. I want to be special (small) with someone special (one specific large person who is the love of my life). Rp is kind of hard on me in that way–just the fact that I’m making a sincere and passionate connection with someone online in this imaginary scenario, but that’s as far as it goes. I don’t even know these people in person–not that I’d be dismissively hooking up with anyone willing to rp with me, but you know. I want the whole package, I guess is what I’m getting at. I’m fucking dying for it, actually.

But another thing: in all my rps… I don’t have “characters” or “OCs.” I am just… playing myself. Starring K as herself. I AM MY OWN MUSE, GODDAMN IT. So that’s like, another layer of rp, that I’m being my own vulnerable self in this story that we’re creating, and I’m really putting myself out there, and… for what? Like, where is this going? What is this person on the other end getting out of my sincere vulnerability? Do I want to so carelessly share myself like that with strangers? Not really. Only select individuals. People that I genuinely trust and respect. And those are hard to come by.

… Not really sure where I was going with this one, but thanks for coming along with me.

Boudoir Shots? Ft Excessive Backstory

So clearly, coming back to WordPress and “having an audience” has unlocked something in me–or just redirected some of my energy, I guess. It’s given me more of an outlet for my constant internal talking-to-myself in my alone-ness. I know there’s only 2 of you, and I don’t want to bombard you with my bullshit and make you feel like you have to “like/comment/subscribe!” and whatever, but it really means a lot to me that you usually do. It makes my heart do a little “!” when I get a notification. I consider you friends, and that means a lot. Not be pathetic on main, but here I am!

Anyway, backstory on the actual story: I used to be kinda thin and hot at 5′ 4/5″ and about 140 pounds (recently found out that as of I believe 2018, the statistical average American woman is 5′ 4″ and 170 pounds, SO), and then I dropped out of the first college I was going to and moved back home and was extremely depressed and gained 30 pounds in the space of about 4 months, and then I got put on some stronger antidepressants and gained another 30 pounds because of side effects, and it’s a big deal for me and something I talk about to anyone who will listen as like a disclaimer to my general physical existence. BUT I recently lost about 5 whopping pounds, and it’s made a real difference for me because it’s changed how my clothes fit, and even though I would OBVIOUSLY like to lose 5 more (times about 9), right at the moment I’m feeling kinda good and I’m thinking about doing a “boudoir shot” again like I have for a few past partners (at various stages in the weight thing). But this time, just do it for myself (and possibly my fwb if he’s interested). But if I do, I want to post them somewhere too… Probably to Twitter, probably to FetLife (I still have an account over there for some reason even though there’s no one of substance in my area and the size chats are lame) and maybe here too. So I can more easily go back and access them, and because… the opinions of the 2 people following me here mean more to me than those of the people on Twitter, and I don’t think you both know what I look like, and I kinda want to put that out there? I don’t want to disappoint anyone by revealing my true form, but… I kinda wanna make it known. Just feels… like something I wanna do. Maybe I’m just feeling reckless? Like how I’ve scheduled an appointment to get a tattoo (finally) and recently made a trip to The City (I live in the sticks) all by myself for the first time.

It’s actually a ton of work to do what I’ve been calling my boudoir shots because I do it all myself and I have to take approximately 500 pictures so that I’m bound to get a handful of decent ones, but the prep is something that I think is generally kind of good for me. I go all out in the “self-care” stuff, as in like, plucking, shaving, moisturizing, etc, and it feels really good to go through that whole set of things every once in a while. It’s kind of exhausting, but if I had a “reason” to do it, I’d be more likely to. Get all fancied up for someone–myself and “my audience.”

Genuine Question

Do you think I should be abstaining from the toothbrush-vibrator for a bit after I have this surgery if there’s going to be stitches involved? I feel like that sounds reasonable. Should I ask the doctor??? I WILL be home with my parents for that weekend though, so that’s at least 2 days I’ll not be doing it. I can exert self-control for a few days. Maybe a week or two. Thoughts? I should ask, huh? Goddang it.

I’ll Never Be Over Gulliver’s Travels (1996)

In light of my dream last night, I’ve found myself going down a rabbit hole and I’m intermittently posting bits to twitter, but I’d rather put it all together in one place. For my own sake. Maybe so I can reference it when I finally snag a hot size-minded man to be my bf.

So this movie came out in 1996, when I was literally 4 years old, and it looks like it aired in February, so I was BARELY 4 when this happened. I remember desperately wanting to watch it when I saw the previews, but even then I knew that I was being weird so I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, but I did make it known that I wanted to see it. But if I recall, it was one of those Sunday night specials, and it was kind of late for me to be up, so I don’t know if I actually did see it or not, but I NEVER stopped thinking about it, and years later, even before discovering the size community, I’d have the random rare dream about a giant Ted Danson (always in the period piece outfit). He was apparently 48/49 when he performed that role, but I have a painful attraction to Older Men, and this apparently goes all the way back to my young childhood. Or maybe it STEMS from that? A combination, I think.

Anyway, I read the Wikipedia on Ted Danson who is now 73 and not someone I would call attractive, due to his age, but I don’t think he’s an unattractive person still, really. Good facial structure. I am pleased to find out that he seems like a legitimately good dude, and he’s a major environmentalist and wrote a book about the ocean and conservation. But looking back, it seems obvious–and should have already been obvious to me, a person who grew up seeing Cheers–that in the 80s/90s, he was a regarded as “hot,” so that… kind of makes me feel… better? Like, it makes me feel like in “normie” conversation I could say that I always had a crush on Ted Danson as a kid and that would be not a hugely weird thing to say. I do often say that Ted Danson with the long hair in Gulliver’s Travels was *mwah*, and so far I have not received any backlash on that.

I’ve also found out tonight that this Gulliver’s Travels was produced in part by The Jim Henson Company and that the creatures and effects were done by them, and that Jim himself was in discussions about it before his untimely death in 1990. I am a major Henson fan, and this was just a bonus for me, and something I could use in conversation to back my interest in this movie.

A few years ago I went to a garage sale and got an unopened set of the 2-cassette original VHS for a whopping 25 cents. I had a secret viewing of it at about 7 am on a Saturday morning in the family living room where we still, miraculously, had a functional VHS. I honestly was so wound up about the obvious things that I really can’t tell you what I thought of the movie/story itself, but apparently it was critically acclaimed.

Would love to watch it again sometime… maybe… not by myself this time.

Super Size Dream

So just a couple days ago, @Aborigen asked if I ever have size dreams, and unfortunately, that RARELY happens for me, and if it does, it’s usually in some kind of “bad” way like my secret kink gets exposed or someone like a family member shrinks or grows and that is majorly gross and unpleasant for me, HOWEVER, last night I had a totally good and sexy size dream and I wanted to write about it as soon as I got up but I had a ton of shit I needed to do today and now it’s almost 6 pm and I have class at 6:10 but I gotta get as much as I can written down before I forget the whole thing.

So, background: in like 1995, Ted Danson, who was probably about 40-something at the time, was in a made-for-tv version of Gulliver’s Travels, and… yeah. I was a small child and it was life-altering. So I forever have a crush on middle-aged Ted Danson as Gulliver. (The long hair was really doing it for me, too, and I seem to have a thing about Older Men.)

So Giant Younger/Hotter Ted Danson is just like… in my life. We’re definitely at my house. He’s wearing the period drama outfit. He’s as big as a house. I’m in love. There’s definitely giant dick involved, and luckily this time it is privately, between just him and me. But then there’s a jump and he’s small and I’m normal me-size, but he’s like strapped to a dildo, as in so much size art, but I’m pretty sure it’s like, a model of his actual dick? And I’m being regular me but totally feeling him up and definitely put my mouth on his dick when he’s small, and he’s enjoying it, and, again, we are doing this PRIVATLEY, in the garage for some reason. But then I jerk off without him involved in the garage as well–like, we had some fun together, and now I’m turned on so I go ahead and take care of myself. Very realistic orgasm experience, but for some reason at this point he’s vanished and I’m locked in the garage alone. I wish there was more detail from the part when HE WAS BIG, but alas, I am only allowed quick glimpses into my true fantasies, and even in my literal dreams I have to settle for jerking it on my own.

But yeah, Giant Ted Danson. Please do yourself a favor and look into that.

“Announcement”

Just made this announcement on Twitter, but since I’m apparently posting in WordPress now, I thought I’d say it here too:

I’m getting vagina surgery. Not like bottom surgery–I’m afab, I already have a vagina, but it’s been Problematic because I have vaginismus and when I went to the gynecologist a couple months ago they couldn’t even do the exam, so they’re going to do it under anesthesia and see if there’s any residual hymen that’s making things difficult, and if so, remove it. So hopefully, my life is about to be changed for the better.

So hopefully I’ll live to see the day I get railed by my smoking hot fwb.

But I’m kind of scared that like… they’re not going to find anything and I’m actually just tense as fuck? Because I HAVE had a pelvic exam before, it was just really difficult and took me a long time to “relax.”

Also I’ve never had any kind of surgery or stitches before except my wisdom teeth removal, so… definitely going to be talking about that in therapy this week.

Thinking Thoughts About SizeCon

I honestly don’t keep up with The Community news enough to know if SizeCon is still a thing or not. I did a quick Google and looks like basically everything that comes up is from years past. I know it didn’t happen recently because of COVID, but then there was SizeCon micro, and I didn’t really know what that was except that it was an online version, I guess? Well, I’ve never gone to ANY SizeCon event, and I don’t know how I feel about that, honestly.

Like, ideally, I would LIKE to go to an in-person one, just for The Experience, but I have a lot of… hang-ups about it. I know very few people in the community, and I would love to see THOSE people irl, but I don’t really want to see a lot of strangers? And I don’t want a lot of strangers seeing ME, ya feel?

But to be honest and reveal what a baby I am, I just… don’t know what I would tell people? I still basically live at home with my parents at this point (at age 29 because of Mental Illness reasons—don’t that I have to explain shit to anybody, but I want people to know there’s a REASON), and they still know so much about my day-to-day… I can’t imagine just saying, “yo, I’m going to New York for a weekend, peace out” because they’ll want to know WHY and they’ll be worried about me going somewhere far away by myself because I live in small town Ohio and I’ve never even gone to Dayton by myself, and I’d never making driving that far, so I’d have to get on a plane, and I’ve never been on a plane before, and even more than all of that… the expense. SizeCon ticket, plane ticket, hotel room, eating that whole weekend, having to take a taxi, then wanting to buy things at the booths… I am firmly working class and it’s making me dizzy thinking about spending that much money… and on something I ultimately don’t know if I’ll enjoy (because strangers). I had a “me” weekend two weeks ago and spent $80 at the mall and I’m still recovering psychologically from that much spending. And I have… bills? Hello? I have a ton of student debt and I’ve loaned so much money form my parents for things and I’ve got a record of my borrowing and paying them back and I currently owe them like $3000 and I can’t image going away on a wild weekend and spending probably half that much on something that I wouldn’t even be able to explain to them.

… You know?

My cheap ass has never even bought a single book, comic, or video from any of the content creators that I follow online. Partially because it’s embarrassing, and partially because I just straight do not like spending money on things that are in any way “frivolous.” I can’t even justify buying a vibrator–you think I could justify buying a size comic? I only bought lube that time because it was 50% off, and then waited til it was buy-one-get-one-free to buy any again.

/UGH

Being Pathetic On Main (not exactly sizey)

So I know there are only 2 people who’d potentially read any of my posts here, and I largely use all online spaces to just Talk To Myself Out Loud and though I could just journal privately, the PROSPECT of someone MAYBE reading and validating my feelings has been really appealing to me lately, but I want to say up front that you shouldn’t feel obligated to comment on this. Just me talking to myself.

I’m so fucking lonely. This has been a recurring theme in my life since the start, but things are getting unbearable again. I am so isolated in my life. Once again, I find myself with literally 0 friends irl and constantly banging my head against the wall looking for some online. I do have a couple people I consider online friends, and I appreciate them, but what I NEED right now is someone to be a literal in-person shoulder to lean on. Just someone to Be With and Be Around so we can Do Things Together. I honestly am looking for so little, but at the same time I’m looking for the Love of My Life and won’t settle for less. And being lonely and being horny are exacerbating each other so, so much. And as stupid as this may sound to some people, jerking off is making it way worse because it makes me realize how alone I am, and I feel like I’m “wasting” so much of my sexual energy jerking off alone that I WANT to be putting into a sexual RELATIONSHIP and I’m like psyching myself out that I’m associating jerking off and the negative emotions I’m feeling during and after due to loneliness… Like, I feel like I’m “ruining” it and that I should “save” orgasms for for when I Am In Love With someone who I can experience them WITH.

Since I was able to get back into my size twitter, I’ve been super turned on and that makes me super SAD.

I just feel like my life is such a fucking curse and like I’m losing my mind going about it as alone as I am…