You know how I just said I wasn’t having significant thoughts lately? Well, I am now, so if you wanna read this, buckle up. This is going to be all over the place.
Not all, or even most, of what’s on my mind right now is sex-y, so I don’t know if I want to or should share it here, but like… that’s part of the problem? I’m so, so tired of sharing little fractured pieces of myself/my life in their little designated areas. I am contain multitudes, and I fucking want someone to be able to share all of it with. I DO share some of my “regular” life on Twitter, but just things like “I’m feeling lonely” or “my mom is stressing me out this week” or “I really love this song.” And I’ve gone from using Facebook to do nothing but talk to myself because no one I’m connected to there ever interacts with or gives a shit about my posts, and at least on twitter I occasionally get interaction. Fuck knows I’ve told you all enough, but I literally do not have friends, and I haven’t for a while, and I have a strict “no family” policy on there with the exception of my brother, so Facebook is basically useless to me. I have a normie Twitter but no one interacts with me there either. It’s honestly painful. I am so grateful to Size Twitter for at least acknowledging me and making feel like I actually am part of a community.
So yeah, I don’t have any friends, and it honestly does mean a lot to me that people on Size Twitter will say things like “you can always talk to me” or “my dms are always open,” but that’s just… not what I want right now. That’s not what I need right now. I fucking NEED people In Real Life to make connections with and have experiences with and spend quality time with. I’ve been looking for that everywhere and coming up empty. And I know, I Know, I KNOW that you need “community” and “friends” and you can’t just have one person be your whole world but FUCK, that is what I WANT.
I am desperate for human connection, but I am SO desperate for A Someone. I want A Someone who understands or at least knows about and accepts all the different parts of me. I want Someone to fucking be in love with me. I want Someone to fucking HOLD me. I am so touch-starved. I want Someone to share my day with and spend my free time with and to send memes to and to have memories with and to hold and to love and to fuck and to be kinky with and to vibe to music with and just… Ugh.
And getting in these moods sends me toward size things because I want someone to be my everything, and there’s an obvious connection there. When I was super depressed, I was really into like… passive size scenarios where like, I belong to someone and just exist to belong to them. But now that I’m more of a functioning human again, I want so much more. I want all these things in real life and I want someone that fulfills those things for me and I want to be able to explore kink things with them too.
I sound pathetic as fuck here. I’m sorry.
sz journey 