Yep, still talking. Been doing a lot of thinkin’ to myself today. Been thinking about what I contribute here, online, to “the community.”
I haven’t written a size story in like 5 years, and I don’t draw, I don’t sell pics, etc. I give you people nothing. But still I have followers and people who occasionally give me some likes and validate my stupid little feelings, and some people even reach out and TALK to me. I feel like I am receiving so much–all the content that I continually see on Twitter from size artists, all the stories from size writers that I never read but would like to someday, all the little polite things people say when I make a sad boi post or recount having a sizey dream…
And what do I do? When I first found the size community via tumblr in 2012/2013, I was like, “YES–I have found my place–I was meant to be a size writer.” I proceeded to write a handful of size smut stories, but there was no… craft to them. I just had all these thoughts and feelings and energies about sizey things and finally had someplace to SAY those things out loud, and I just wrote it out as fast as possible. People liked it, but they weren’t that great. In the years after, I would occasionally write out a few suggested ideas into VERY short stories for tumblr people, but those also lacked craft and, in those cases where it was someone else’s ideas and desires, passion.
I know @Olo and @Aborigen, who I respect in the size writer community, are really committed to their art, and talk at length about the craft and devote a TON of time to it. I am a writer outside of the size world–I used to be constantly writing poetry and for a while thought I was going to go on to get an MFA and teach it, but that’s not what happened. I don’t write at all these days outside of journaling and my stupid posts on social media–and now here on WordPress. But you know what? Though I do wish I had the passion to write poetry again, I am fine with not producing size stories.
I’ve had the pleasure of being involved with a couple (“couple” as in “2”) of really good rp partners, and when I first arrived on size tumblr, I didn’t think that would be my thing, but honestly? It is. I love having the CONNECTION of a partner. I do feel kind of stupid a lot of the time because I always feel like I end up repeating myself because eventually you start running out of synonyms for “big” and “hot” and “red” and whatever, but I love the ENERGY of it–when you really hit it off with someone on the other end. I’ve definitely had a couple lackluster rp experiences, but the good ones stick out in my mind as something to hang onto, mentally.
Ultimately, of course, I would like… an irl rp partner, aka a boyfriend/girlfriend to just… be passionate with, in whatever way that played out. Within the kink, it’s most about that connection, for me. I want to be special (small) with someone special (one specific large person who is the love of my life). Rp is kind of hard on me in that way–just the fact that I’m making a sincere and passionate connection with someone online in this imaginary scenario, but that’s as far as it goes. I don’t even know these people in person–not that I’d be dismissively hooking up with anyone willing to rp with me, but you know. I want the whole package, I guess is what I’m getting at. I’m fucking dying for it, actually.
But another thing: in all my rps… I don’t have “characters” or “OCs.” I am just… playing myself. Starring K as herself. I AM MY OWN MUSE, GODDAMN IT. So that’s like, another layer of rp, that I’m being my own vulnerable self in this story that we’re creating, and I’m really putting myself out there, and… for what? Like, where is this going? What is this person on the other end getting out of my sincere vulnerability? Do I want to so carelessly share myself like that with strangers? Not really. Only select individuals. People that I genuinely trust and respect. And those are hard to come by.
… Not really sure where I was going with this one, but thanks for coming along with me.