Not tryna dirty delete, but… I posted the following on a reblog of an earlier post which I just deleted because it’s gross and uncomfortable and bad and embarrassing and I shouldn’t have said it in the first place. (God help me.) But I’m reposting this part for my own purposes–like, for posterity/so I don’t forget. 

I hung out with my irl bff and sorta soul mate the other day for his birthday, and it was seriously The Actual Best Night Ever (we watched Aladdin and went on a nature walk and smoked and he told me that I am “so fucking smart” and I never wanted to leave), and he was wearing those fucking pajama pants again so I could see the outline of his junk and I was just like, uhhh… please put me in your pants or your pocket or your mouth or your hand PLEASE. Also at one point his hair did a thing that was just SO HOT that I was almost uncomfortable looking at him. And uhh… I am kind of in love with him. Like, sincerely. But I don’t have any idea how he feels about me, even as a friend. Like, he’s literally my Best Friend, but I’m sure I’m not his, and when I’ve talked about how I always feel embarrassed about my body and appearance, he’s said stuff like, “you definitely have good looks,” and a mutual friend said that (he thinks) that this guy “likes” me but… I really don’t know? And I also absolutely do NOT want to mess up our friendship either by being weird about if either of us likes the other, OR by engaging in any kind of ~relationship~ and then having it end badly. ??? OH: also, he’s really into to plants, and we visited his friends who’re engaged, and she works at a greenhouse, and she gave him the start of an elephant plant, which apparently grows leaves that’re FUCKING HUGE and I was just like, “I need a fucking elephant plant so I sit under it’s leaves like I am small.” 

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