Apollonia Saintclair 235 – 20121114 Le dragon ascendant (Dragon ascending)
“The story of human intimacy is one of constantly allowing ourselves to see those we love most deeply in a new, more fractured light. Look hard. Risk that.”
I remember having such a hard time learning to let another person put their face between my legs. It took me many tries to trust them enough to the point where I could let myself enjoy the sensations.
It’s odd for me to remember that, considering how much I enjoy the thought of being a Giantess and letting tinies explore my body. I needed to feel my own strength in the face of that kind of vulnerability, I suppose.
Sex and intimacy require trust, but trust requires practice. I wish someone had told me that sex takes practice.
Orgasms take practice. Kinks make that easier, of course. But even building and using kink fantasies takes practice. I used to need a lot of time to get into the headspace. But before long I was able to straddle your face and ride you while I felt myself grow and grow and grow.
I wish I had known that you don’t need to be an amazing lover when you start out. That you can have truly amazing, memorable, messy, hilarious sex even when you haven’t had a lot of practice. Hell, I wish someone told me that sex could be hilarious, and that sharing laughter with a lover during sex is one of the best and most precious feelings in the world.
Of course, you can’t laugh with someone until you trust them, and they trust you. That kind of shared intimacy is a risk. It takes time and patience and practice. And more than a little growth.
I love this image, and I love the thoughts it evoked for me a year ago.
When it comes to sex, sexuality, and sensuality in general, I’ve been out of practice, lately. I’m glad to feel those feelings growing again.
Personally, I’m not particularly into the picture, but WOW, the commentary is so fucking relevant to my life right now. I used to think I was demisexual (before I even knew that word) because of how much I needed to KNOW/TRUST someone before I felt anything sexual towards them, let alone let them anywhere near me, but in the past couple years my life has taken a few dramatic turns and I found myself an apathetic whore, in addition to totally losing my libido (I’m on several medications which I think are to blame, but I’ve recently gone off one really potent one, and I think it might be slowly coming back???) (which is why I’ve been so absent from this blog). But recently I’ve met this guy who I have potentially real, significant feelings for, and I kind of had a sex date with him the other night, and we talked about what we were each okay with and not okay with, and I told him that I don’t do regular missionary sex because I have vagina issues and that I basically just suck dick, so that’s what I ended up doing, and while I was down on him he asked if I’d ever been eaten out and I was like, “uh, no…” and he was like, “do you have any interest in it?” and again I was like, panicky, “uh, no…” And I’ve had that conversation with just about every guy I’ve been with. But I am so, so… both scared and embarrassed to have someone’s FACE all up in my fucking VAGINA. But since I can’t put anything substantial actually in my vagina (I think I have vaginismus?), like my former boyfriend suggested severeal times, “how about a mouth?” But it freaks me the fuck out. And I am 1000% a service sub, so I’m more concerned about getting the other person off and making them feel good than about getting “off” myself (I’ve actually never had an orgasm, but, you know…)–and like, I still get turned on (or did when I was physically capable of being turned on) by seeing them getting turned on, or by doing the foreplay stuff like making out and getting my boobs handled and whatever. WOW, A WALL OF TEXT AND A LOT OF THINGS I’VE NEVER MENTIONED ON THIS BLOG BEFORE. YIKES.
That definitely is a wall of text, my friend. I can’t tackle everything you’re talking about, but I have a few thoughts I want to share, so I’m going to offer my own wall o’ text as a response.
1. Vaginismus. I sometimes go to a local sex-positive performance here in Austin called Bedpost Confessions, where people share anonymous secrets about their sex lives and the bravest take the stage to share poetry, essays, and incredibly courageous stories that range from heartbreaking to incredibly arousing. (They have a podcast that I would highly recommend.) Anyway, this show gave me my first introduction to vaginismus with the deeply moving piece by Shelby Hadden.
See her award-winning animated short about her experience: tightlywoundfilm.com
Listen to her incredible 16-minute performance that I witnessed last year: bedpostconfessions.com/podcast/2016/11/12/bedpost-confessions-episode-95
One more thing about this. If you haven’t found the right doctor to help you with this, please keep looking. I can’t share the particular connection I discovered to Shelby, but I discovered that someone in my circle of friends is working with her to bring more awareness to the medical community. I was inspired to hear of the progress she has made with her condition and the way she’s trying to pay it forward to others facing the same issues.
2. Demisexuality. I have been in a long-term loving poly relationship with a demisexual woman. During the six months we dated, and in our conversations now as friends, we’ve talked about that trust/arousal/sex/love dynamic and how it works for her. She’s part of a local poly group here in Austin for people who identify as ace and demi, and was always good at explaining the nuances. I’m not demi, and no matter how often we talk about it, I still have a sense that I’m missing the full understanding. If the concept of demisexuality resonates with you, then I hope you find people you can connect with to unpack your feelings and understand your own impulses more. You’re not alone.
3. Trust, Sex, and the Brain. I also think that there are complexities related to sexual attraction and arousal that don’t necessarily occur because of an ace/demi alignment. One of my last and favorite college classes was Human Sexuality, and there’s a part of that class that I think about often. It changed the way I understood sex, myself, and gave me the freedom to accept my body’s responses. It also gave me the tools to do something about those responses.
The professor was a therapist who specialized in helping couples, and he worked hard to make sure the class understood the way the autonomic nervous system (made up by the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems) let you feel arousal and reach orgasm. And how when people are trying to become aroused with someone they do not trust (or sometimes an idealized person they find too intimidating), they are often stuck with an activated sympathetic “flight/flight/freeze” nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is totally outside our control, and millions of years ago it decided that when you’re running from a tiger you don’t need to waste blood on an erect penis or wet, aroused vagina. The parasympathetic nervous system only becomes engaged when you feel safety and trust. Sex makes you vulnerable to predators–it’s not hard to see how this fits into evolutionary biology.
At the time, it made perfect sense to me. That semester I was also in the process of falling deeply in love with the partner who insisted that he wanted to put his face between my thighs. Gods alive, that was terrifying. At the time I saw it as some insurmountable rift between us that might make us incompatible. Building trust with him eventually made it possible for me to orgasm with his tongue on my vulva. But it took quite a few sessions where I really struggled with my own fears, anxiety, and body dysmorphic issues.
I don’t think I would’ve been able to overcome any of that without trying it. My brain only began to accept I was safe when my partner proved to me again and again that he appreciated my body and enjoyed putting his face in my vulva–and that he still loved and respected me regardless of whether or not I orgasmed. (If he had hinted that he found the scent, flavor, or appearance disgusting in any way, I would’ve died from vulnerability on the spot and shut that door for years, if not forever.)
Do you see what I mean? I’m not demisexual, but there was some kind of threshold of trust I had to cross before I could engage my parasympathetic nervous system. Before I could feel pleasure and have an orgasm. But once I crossed that threshold, I found I was able to have orgasms with oral sex multiple times, even consistently. That’s what I meant when I said sex takes trust, and both of those take patience and practice.
4. Kinky Sex & the Brain. At this point in my exploration of kink, D/s, fearplay, nonconsensual fantasies, etc. the argument from my professor seemed to make less sense. If fear shuts down my ability to orgasm, how can I get so thoroughly aroused by a fear scene where I imagine a Giant person doing deliciously terrible things to me?
Not long after creating this blog, I decided to seek a kink-friendly therapist to deal with my own complex feelings regarding nonconsensual fantasies. She and I worked a lot on the distinction between fantasy and action, and the critical point that any fantasy scene I enjoy in my mind, act out in online RP, or act out in person with others by its very nature involves people consenting to the scene. I think the safety inherent in negotiated D/s scenes makes it possible to engage the parasympathetic nervous system. I think the fact that I’m fantasizing about fearplay makes it inherently different than actual, traumatizing fear.
This article unpacks it a little more:
In fact, the most fascinating aspect of the autonomic nervous system, absolutely critical yet poorly understood, is that it is profoundly impacted by the mental landscape, steering the immutable interdependence between brain and vagina. The autonomic nervous system, which serves as the translator between the psychological and the physiological, is thus particularly vulnerable to what psychologists call “bad stress.” (By contrast, the “good stress” many women experience in exciting or mock-dangerous sexual scenarios which they still control can be compelling and pleasurable.) “Bad stress” stems from the perceived lack of safety, and the presence of safety is absolutely essential to catapulting the female brain into the kind of “high” orgasm that is only possible in this uninhibited trance state.
5. You say “And I am 1000% a service sub, so I’m more concerned about getting the other person off and making them feel good than about getting “off” myself.“
May I respectfully suggest that some partners get off to performing oral sex on others? That letting him put his mouth on your vulva might be the thing that gives him tons of pleasure?
A lot of people feel like the act of performing oral sex is all about serving the recipient. There can definitely be a power play there, especially in common positions of kneeling before a cock or a pussy. But it’s not always the sub sucking off the Dom. I can be incredibly Dominant with my partner’s cock in my mouth. He’s put his most vulnerable body part between my teeth, after all. And I have power and control over his pleasure.
The demi partner I mentioned before? I have some fond memories of making her helpless with my tongue, and it wasn’t as a subordinate. She didn’t make me do it. She didn’t dominate me. It was a gift that I gave to her as an equal, and enjoyed deeply.
Do you enjoy sucking off your partner? What if he would enjoy giving you a similar gift?
6. This was a lot of text, and I’m sorry for filling up peoples’ feeds. I can’t help myself, I want to understand the why and the how of sex and kink.
For anyone who made it this far without unfollowing me, I’m curious to hear your thoughts.
X GOD BLESS ALL OF THIS X
I just feel like I have so much to say, but also like I can’t improve upon any of that, so I’m just gonna reblog.