relationships word vomit

So I’ve been through the emotional ringer these past 24 hours or so… I was falling in love with someone I met on size twitter after like an hour of conversation but they’re married and now I feel like a fucking fool and worse/lonelier than ever. I miss my last partner. I miss them a lot still, and I always feel like I’ll NEVER find someone like that again. We met through the fetish and bonded really deeply through that, but we also had so many other points of deep connection, and it was so amazing that we could express how we loved each other (because it really was love) through the size ideas. I felt so understood and loved–and I hope they felt the same from me. I’ve been so lonely for so long, and I’ve sometimes gotten obsessive about dating apps and stuff, but I feel like I am ALWAYS looking in the exact wrong place. The size thing is really important to me, so I WANT to find someone who gets that, but that leads me to look in places where either no one will be anywhere close to me in location, or no one will be close to me in interest in actual relationships. And I don’t want to pinpoint it to the size world, because honestly, what are the chances that someone who’d be the love of my life would belong to such a small community? But I also don’t know where else to look, because I’m not really a part of any other communities. I don’t have a lot of friends, I don’t have a lot of hobbies, I don’t really ever “go out.” I just so badly want someone to love me and for me to love in the ways I know and comfortable with, which are mostly size-related ways, but… I don’t know where to even look for that person. And I’ve been struggling even with the bisexual aspect of myself because sometimes I feel like I just want a beautiful woman to sweep me off my feet and sometimes I feel like I want a beautiful man to take me home, and I feel like I think that I have to pick one or the other instead of just… letting things happen. Which is stupid, I know, but I think it comes from the fact that I’ve never been with a woman and since what I want the most in life is to find the Love of My Life, I feel like I gotta find ONE person ASAP and so if it IS a man, I’ll have missed my chance to ever have an experience with a woman.

And on top of all of this is just… the fact that I’m so unhappy with myself and not in a really stable place. I’m in the place where I should be “focusing on myself” but it’s so lonely that I just can’t stop thinking about finding someone else. And I’m in college trying to finish a degree I started literally 10 years ago at this point, and I’ve just felt like almost my entire life up to this point has been me wandering around aimlessly. People as what I “want to do” and I have no idea. What I want out of life it just to be okay. I’ve had so much trauma and bad experiences in my life, and gone through so many different sets of ideas and opinions, and most of the things in this world are just total bullshit. Academia is bullshit. College is bullshit yet here I am. What I truly want out of life is to BE OKAY and to NOT BE ALONE. And I don’t know how to achieve either of those things.

And when I feel worst is when I most want a giant to comfort me with their presence.

So fucking circle of life, right? Right back to where I started.

I don’t know if you even CAN send private messages here on WordPress, so I’m just going to tag @Aborigen (if you can even do that???) to let them know that I failed at writing for CruelJan and I’d like to UN sign up. But they might see it even if I can’t tag people, so let me know you got this message I guess? BOY AM I DUMB.

two things

1. My longstanding friend with benefits officially cancelled our arrangement because he has a real girlfriend now and I’m sad about it. He has the best dick I’ve ever seen and he knows about my kink and I like to look up the length of his cock from being on my knees and feel small.

2. I’ve yet to write a word of any kind of submission for Cruel January, and school’s back on now so unless a full-fledged story comes to me tonight/this morning, it’s definitely not going to happen. Is there a process by which I can/should drop out? And honestly, I realized that I don’t even WANT to write my OWN unintentional cruelty story… I want someone ELSE to write one for me. Or rp one with me. But I also don’t have an rp partner right now. Unless someone here wants to try. But I have kind of high standards–no offense.

did something i'd never done before

Hooked up with a dude in a open/polyamorus marriage on the first day of this new year 2020. I’d call him a new friend, not just a hook up. It was fun, but the sexytimes weren’t that great, and even though we’d talked about my kinks before, he didn’t do anything to make me feel small… I feel like he’s totally not into the size thing, which is disappointing because we’re on both very friendly terms and sexy terms, so he’d be a prime candidate to just talk size kink with casually, but I don’t think he’s really interested. But if I said something specific, he’d probably say size things during sexytimes if we do it again.

Just occurred to me that he’s the first younger guy I’ve ever done anything with. Hmm.

Though I REALLY want to hook up with my standing fwb as a treat to myself for my birthday this weekend, even though we never do size stuff and it’s just me doing what I do (sucking dick), but he has such a nice one and he’s so beautiful overall, I just wanna look at it/him from that on-my-knees angle…

update

I did in fact sign up to participate in CruelJan, but have yet to have any ideas. I wish I had a steady (and umm… good?) rp partner to practice with/bounce ideas off of, but that’s not a thing I have in my life any more… My life is a sad, kinky soap opera. But it’s actually really boring, so maybe not.