Sooo… I’ve been kind of dealing with A Lot of sex-related issues recently, and talking about them in therapy and here and on Size Twitter, and I think… that I need to figure some things out.
So I’m going to use this space to have a discussion with myself and open myself up to advice/suggestions/etc.
I’ve been single for the vast majority of my life, and I do not have a huge amount of sexual experience. I have sucked dick plenty of times with multiple people, been jerking off regularly since about 2017, I did anal once, I’ve done a little bit of naked cuddling, done a little bit of sexy size rp, but I’ve never “had sex”–because I have vaginismus. I DID “get my cherry popped” or whatever ONE SINGULAR TIME, but he definitely did NOT go all the way in. My most experience is with jerking off by myself, and that’s kind of depressing. I enjoy it, but… not every time is a good time, and more often than not, it leaves me feeling lonely and kind of pathetic afterwards. I don’t think I feel “guilty” about it–I don’t think it’s a “sin” or anything, but I do think it’s something special, and I think that I am… dulling it. I don’t want it to be something that becomes boring. I don’t want to STOP doing it, but I want to… ration it. I want to “save” it for special occasions and “save” sexy things for… sharing with someone else. I don’t think it’s “unhealthy” to masturbate, but I think that the way I am doing it is not the healthiest. I want to exert some self-control and try to… cultivate experiences where I can engage in sexual activity in ways that don’t feel so… sad/bad. I want to find people to make it feel special with. I was thinking of trying to do No Nut November, but I actually have recently been in conversation with someone on FetLife about size rp, so… I think that will be more… on the right track.
I’m also “supposed” to be “practicing” basically using my vagina since I had the hymenotomy, so MAYBE I can combine rp, jerking off, and building up to penetration… I am not at all thrilled that I have to “practice” this shit, and I really do not want to have to think about my vagina. After my recently realizing that my vagina/vulva looks totally different than I thought it did, I am not pleased to be thinking about it. I think I’m actually more surprised that anything about how it looks–I’ve only seen it from like 2 different angles until now and I was just under the impression that it looked a certain way and now I’m like, “oh.” I think for the most part, from the “usual” views that I get–looking down at myself and looking frontally in the mirror–it actually looks really cute? I am not a huge fan of the “cute” applied to myself, but it’s small and compact and I like it. But I got a look from directly underneath with a hand mirror and found out that the only bits that are kind of jutting out are incredibly asymmetrical and not at all aesthetically pleasing to me. (This is still outside of the body–I have yet to get anywhere with trying to see what the inside looks like, and that kind of weirds me out.) For my regular day-to-day, this will not be a big deal. I will simply not be confronted with this issue, even when jerking off. But I’m worried that at some point someone ELSE will see and… not like it. I don’t have anyone banging down my door to see my vagina at the moment–well, except my fwb who always respectfully asks if he can fuck my pussy in addition to my mouth–but like… I hope that at some point I do? Not specifically want someone to see it but I would like to have someone who I’m going to engage in sexual activity with, of whatever sort, and I would like to SOMEDAY be both a giver and a receiver. That is not going to be for a while, and I have a lot of work to do before then, but I WANT it to happen EVENTUALLY.
In discussing this stuff today in therapy, she asked what I consider a “healthy sex life” and I honestly have never really thought about this. I would like to think about this. I think it would be good to have some ideas and maybe some boundaries/structure about it in mind, especially since I usually let other people (in sexual situations and in the rest of my life) make decisions and tell me what to do rather than having an actual conversation about it or enforcing any of my own rules.
I went on a date with a guy I met on a dating app, and he seems nice and pretty normal, but I don’t know yet if this is heading anywhere serious, but if it does, I would like to be… more prepared than I have in the past. I mean, I’m kind of a whore, so I’d suck his dick if he came over here sometime, even if we weren’t feeling like things were “serious,” but I would like to… have a better handle on what I WANT and what is HEALTHY and how to ACHIEVE those things.
I am also considering calling my gynecologist’s office and asking what he meant by “therapy” and potentially looking into talking to a sex therapist.
So I am very open to any suggestions and advice and anecdotes that any of you may want to offer up.