I know I don’t post much here, but I’m in a weird mood right now and I’d like to “talk” to you for a bit.

My last few posts here were… very clinically depressed. Right at this moment I am not feeling fantastic, but these past several weeks have been AMAZING. I started taking trazodone and it has changed my fucking life. People tend to talk about psych meds by saying that they’ll make you “feel like your old self,” and I never thought that would happen to me at this point; I thought there was no more of that old self, but HOLY HOLY HOLY, there is! I am so full of life again, and I am so, so glad and relieved because CHRIST, I was in a real bad way.

I am still largely Alone, but I am handling it better and occupying my time by playing trumpet again (!) and being able to GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE, which is a pretty huge deal for me. However, there is news on the social interaction front:

I had a date. And we are having a date again this week. He is definitely my type looks-wise: tall, dark hair, glasses, skinny emo boy-looking. I had a really nice time last week, but… we also went to town already, even though I wanted to hold off on it, and… I said so. But we ended up there anyway. So I have… feelings about that. But: he is a weird perv and I already told him I like size stuff and he seemed totally cool with it and I think probably willing to indulge it. He also pinched/twisted my nipples and I did not know how good that was going to feel, so, thanks, man.

I also had another Ted Danson sizey dream last night, so that was exciting, but part of it was kind of a nightmare. Balance, I guess.

Lots of “big” things on the horizon in my life right now: graduating, starting a new job, this guy I may or may not be “dating,” moving into my own place, financial issues, etc.

And now twitter bullshit is happening. I fucking hate change, and so I am not liking the prospect of the size community having to “move” again, but… wherever y’all go, you know I’m gonna follow.

Also, I wrote a fucking poem today, so I’m feeling good about that.

You know how I just said I wasn’t having significant thoughts lately? Well, I am now, so if you wanna read this, buckle up. This is going to be all over the place.

Not all, or even most, of what’s on my mind right now is sex-y, so I don’t know if I want to or should share it here, but like… that’s part of the problem? I’m so, so tired of sharing little fractured pieces of myself/my life in their little designated areas. I am contain multitudes, and I fucking want someone to be able to share all of it with. I DO share some of my “regular” life on Twitter, but just things like “I’m feeling lonely” or “my mom is stressing me out this week” or “I really love this song.” And I’ve gone from using Facebook to do nothing but talk to myself because no one I’m connected to there ever interacts with or gives a shit about my posts, and at least on twitter I occasionally get interaction. Fuck knows I’ve told you all enough, but I literally do not have friends, and I haven’t for a while, and I have a strict “no family” policy on there with the exception of my brother, so Facebook is basically useless to me. I have a normie Twitter but no one interacts with me there either. It’s honestly painful. I am so grateful to Size Twitter for at least acknowledging me and making feel like I actually am part of a community.

So yeah, I don’t have any friends, and it honestly does mean a lot to me that people on Size Twitter will say things like “you can always talk to me” or “my dms are always open,” but that’s just… not what I want right now. That’s not what I need right now. I fucking NEED people In Real Life to make connections with and have experiences with and spend quality time with. I’ve been looking for that everywhere and coming up empty. And I know, I Know, I KNOW that you need “community” and “friends” and you can’t just have one person be your whole world but FUCK, that is what I WANT.

I am desperate for human connection, but I am SO desperate for A Someone. I want A Someone who understands or at least knows about and accepts all the different parts of me. I want Someone to fucking be in love with me. I want Someone to fucking HOLD me. I am so touch-starved. I want Someone to share my day with and spend my free time with and to send memes to and to have memories with and to hold and to love and to fuck and to be kinky with and to vibe to music with and just… Ugh.

And getting in these moods sends me toward size things because I want someone to be my everything, and there’s an obvious connection there. When I was super depressed, I was really into like… passive size scenarios where like, I belong to someone and just exist to belong to them. But now that I’m more of a functioning human again, I want so much more. I want all these things in real life and I want someone that fulfills those things for me and I want to be able to explore kink things with them too.

I sound pathetic as fuck here. I’m sorry.

Haven’t been active here recently because I’ve not had any significant thoughts. Only silly little tweet-length thoughts.

BUT

I had to come here to say that I was doing a crossword tonight (like an old person… I’m trying to exercise my brain, and I also have nothing to do in the dark-sad-lonely evenings) and one of the clues was Ted Danson.

/Swoon.

Also, I’m still in it to win it for No Nut November, but I had a dream that I failed it. Might end up breaking it if I start an rp over on FetLife though. I was in conversation with a guy over there a while ago but our schedules haven’t lined up yet and I think we’re still kind of figuring out where we want to take the story. At least he’s cool with being the big. He seems like a genuinely nice nerdy guy. Too bad he’s like 1000 miles away from me.

Sooo… I’ve been kind of dealing with A Lot of sex-related issues recently, and talking about them in therapy and here and on Size Twitter, and I think… that I need to figure some things out.

So I’m going to use this space to have a discussion with myself and open myself up to advice/suggestions/etc.

I’ve been single for the vast majority of my life, and I do not have a huge amount of sexual experience. I have sucked dick plenty of times with multiple people, been jerking off regularly since about 2017, I did anal once, I’ve done a little bit of naked cuddling, done a little bit of sexy size rp, but I’ve never “had sex”–because I have vaginismus. I DID “get my cherry popped” or whatever ONE SINGULAR TIME, but he definitely did NOT go all the way in. My most experience is with jerking off by myself, and that’s kind of depressing. I enjoy it, but… not every time is a good time, and more often than not, it leaves me feeling lonely and kind of pathetic afterwards. I don’t think I feel “guilty” about it–I don’t think it’s a “sin” or anything, but I do think it’s something special, and I think that I am… dulling it. I don’t want it to be something that becomes boring. I don’t want to STOP doing it, but I want to… ration it. I want to “save” it for special occasions and “save” sexy things for… sharing with someone else. I don’t think it’s “unhealthy” to masturbate, but I think that the way I am doing it is not the healthiest. I want to exert some self-control and try to… cultivate experiences where I can engage in sexual activity in ways that don’t feel so… sad/bad. I want to find people to make it feel special with. I was thinking of trying to do No Nut November, but I actually have recently been in conversation with someone on FetLife about size rp, so… I think that will be more… on the right track.

I’m also “supposed” to be “practicing” basically using my vagina since I had the hymenotomy, so MAYBE I can combine rp, jerking off, and building up to penetration… I am not at all thrilled that I have to “practice” this shit, and I really do not want to have to think about my vagina. After my recently realizing that my vagina/vulva looks totally different than I thought it did, I am not pleased to be thinking about it. I think I’m actually more surprised that anything about how it looks–I’ve only seen it from like 2 different angles until now and I was just under the impression that it looked a certain way and now I’m like, “oh.” I think for the most part, from the “usual” views that I get–looking down at myself and looking frontally in the mirror–it actually looks really cute? I am not a huge fan of the “cute” applied to myself, but it’s small and compact and I like it. But I got a look from directly underneath with a hand mirror and found out that the only bits that are kind of jutting out are incredibly asymmetrical and not at all aesthetically pleasing to me. (This is still outside of the body–I have yet to get anywhere with trying to see what the inside looks like, and that kind of weirds me out.) For my regular day-to-day, this will not be a big deal. I will simply not be confronted with this issue, even when jerking off. But I’m worried that at some point someone ELSE will see and… not like it. I don’t have anyone banging down my door to see my vagina at the moment–well, except my fwb who always respectfully asks if he can fuck my pussy in addition to my mouth–but like… I hope that at some point I do? Not specifically want someone to see it but I would like to have someone who I’m going to engage in sexual activity with, of whatever sort, and I would like to SOMEDAY be both a giver and a receiver. That is not going to be for a while, and I have a lot of work to do before then, but I WANT it to happen EVENTUALLY.

In discussing this stuff today in therapy, she asked what I consider a “healthy sex life” and I honestly have never really thought about this. I would like to think about this. I think it would be good to have some ideas and maybe some boundaries/structure about it in mind, especially since I usually let other people (in sexual situations and in the rest of my life) make decisions and tell me what to do rather than having an actual conversation about it or enforcing any of my own rules.

I went on a date with a guy I met on a dating app, and he seems nice and pretty normal, but I don’t know yet if this is heading anywhere serious, but if it does, I would like to be… more prepared than I have in the past. I mean, I’m kind of a whore, so I’d suck his dick if he came over here sometime, even if we weren’t feeling like things were “serious,” but I would like to… have a better handle on what I WANT and what is HEALTHY and how to ACHIEVE those things.

I am also considering calling my gynecologist’s office and asking what he meant by “therapy” and potentially looking into talking to a sex therapist.

So I am very open to any suggestions and advice and anecdotes that any of you may want to offer up.

Thanks, friends!

So I was doing some “body maintenance” in preparation for my picnic date on Saturday, and I shaved some things that needed moisturizing after, but this time I got out a little mirror and really took a good look at what I was doing and my handiwork was pretty good, but I got a way better look at certain parts of my body than I ever have before. It’s not that I’ve NEVER “looked” before but never from this I guess “good” of an angle and in this good of lighting and um… I’ve thrown myself for a loop. I didn’t know my pussy looked like that. I used to feel kind of good about it because from the face-looking-down angle, it looks pretty good and small and cute. But I got a totally different view tonight and I am not pleased with what I saw. As if I wasn’t already experiencing an excess of sexually-related stress. I think y’all were right about me needing to actually… TALK to someone who has a VAGINA and just… talk some shit out.

AT LEAST I HAVE GREAT TITS.

So I started in on The Small Print (version 1) the other night and I am so… full of feelings about it. Many feelings. I am impressed by all the work it took to make it a real, physical thing that I can hold in my hand. I’m impressed by the hard work and love that went into crafting each of these stories. I’m in awe of the incredible imaginations and talents of the people who wrote for this. I’m totally turned on by a lot of the content.

And I’m also kind of jealous?

I USED to fancy myself a size writer back when I was first finding out about size kink (circa 2012) when I was so full of excitement that this was A THING and people were WRITING ABOUT IT and I banged out a few stories of my own of… questionable quality. I’ve dabbled a little bit in writing sizey stuff for myself the past few years, but I would REALLY love to be able to create something truly GOOD and have it featured alongside my fellow size freaks.

I think it was about 2 years ago that I was “going through some stuff” (when am I not? jeezus christ…) that I started on a sizey piece about my MILF therapist. I just looked it over and… wow. It gave me some Feelings (TM). But I legitimately think it’s got Good Content potential, and I’d love to work on it some more, but… I don’t know if I can. It’s just really emotional for me and also SO autobiographical that I don’t know if I’d want someone else to read it? I have no “OCs.” Most of my “characters” are just me. I AM MY OWN MUSE. And that can be… fucking difficult.

Kind of an addendum to the “public journal” post from yesterday…

I didn’t jerk it for just a little over 2 weeks due to the surgery, so I was really hyping up doing it last night, but it was… subpar. I thought that since I’d been abstaining, I would be extra sensitive, but it was kind of the opposite. Major let down and now I’m wondering if this is a side effect of the surgery, if this is going to be a long-term issue, if I’ve got myself stressed out about sex in general that my psyche is just sabotaging me… ANOTHER THING TO BRING UP IN THERAPY and possibly the the gynecologist. Goddamn it.

WELL

I had a hymenotomy, right? And all went well, very little pain after, feeling good, looking forward to getting fucking railed for the first time ever, and I know just the guy. Then this Thursday and I had my follow-up appointment, and said yep, feel fine, no issues at all, and they’re like “good, good, good.” When I was under for the surgery, they did the general exam and a pap smear, but there was blood for the surgery in the sample for the pap smear, so at the follow-up they say, “okay, so we should just do another one now since you’re already here” and I’m like, “okay, yeah, I’m already here, and since the surgery, there should be no problem.” WELL GUESS WHAT. There WAS problem. Even when he was just touching me, not inserting anything, I was like, “oh, no.” Like, just… not comfortable at all, and then I was way too tensed up and it hurt too much to do the fucking pap smear. And I cried a little bit, and felt like a fucking idiot. I thought the hymenotomy was going to magically fix all my gynecological issues, BUT I GUESS THE FUCK NOT. So that’s definitely going to take some time to process and just… deal with. The doctor asked if I have a partner and I’m like, “WELL,” because I do have my fwb, but… he is not the guy to “take it slow” and “practice” with and potentially CRY IN FRONT OF, so that’s great. So the doctor said I should practice on my own with tampons and stuff and I’m like, “I did not want to do that.” And he said that my first time doing p-in-v sex is probably going to be really uncomfortable so… great. Great great great.

… I did lose a few pounds though. So. Yeah. Getting less fat and more fuckable, but still not logistically fuckable.

A second size fantasy story anthology compiled by Taedis.

The Small Print 2 is Out! — El Amante Menguante

My first size smut collection!